Inspired by Rick Daddario's 30 Days of Haiga -
September 21th prompt: autumn/spring beginnings
I posted the original version of this haiga on Free Haiga to ask for feedback. I think I caused a little stir as there were some conflicting opinions. To avoid anymore confusion, I changed the last line.
original version:
autumn equinox
he carves a watermelon
scarecrow
new version:
autumn equinox
he carves a watermelon
into a scarecrow
Now, this is a lot better. It doesn't sound like a three-line haiku. Also, without forcing it, it's 5/7/5. ;-)
Update: September 24, 2012
Gabi Geve added this haiga on World Kigo Database.
Update: September 24, 2012
Gabi Geve added this haiga on World Kigo Database.
aloha Christine
ReplyDeletecool. i like this haiga. i like the bubble filter(?) - manipulation into the watermelon shape. fun little bit of play.
i think your second ku (this haiga version) works well. however i like the idea behind the first version - altho yeah, i can see how it feels like 3 separate lines too.
just playing as you did i wondered about this:
he carves
a watermelon scarecrow
autumn equinox
just because i like the twist of those two words "watermelon scarecrow" together. it makes me wonder what the heck that is and how is it done? and from there my imagination takes off.
"he carves" probably isnt as strong a first line as "autumn equinox" - altho "autumn equinox" is probably more often used. so maybe "he carves" is a good starter line??
as you have it here the haiga works fine tho (imo)
- and yeah, once in a while i end up with 5-7-5. as long as it's not forced (words added to make the count etc.) i have no problem with that. as long as it flows (and yours does) and it's easy to think i'd say any parts of this (and yeah, this all works that way) - cool. so cool on the 5-7-5 in this case (imo)
aloha.
I like what you did with my haiku! This is even better! I don't care about the 5/7/5 format. Initially, I really like the two words "watermelon scarecrow", but I keep receiving a different suggestion.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rick! That's why it always pays to let it sit for some time before one submits a haiku. But hey, that's how our work is. It continually evolves as we change and grow. :-)